This thought came to me one Saturday morning when I was helping my two girls get ready, I could see them picking out their clothes, looking in the mirror, making silly faces and I told them how pretty they are and watched their smiles as a little confidence unfolded around them, and I questioned whether as we grow up, are we taught to love ourselves?
I know from my experience, I often feel too preoccupied with everything else that needs doing before I can think about what I need to feel better about myself. I’ve tried to trace possible reasons for this and came up with a few, see you can relate to these (I can’t be the only one!):
- Seeing our Mothers, Aunties, and Grandmothers, doing everything in the house, they would be the last ones to sit down and eat, making sure everyone had their favourite foods, hot roti straight off the tawa.
- They ensured the house was clean ‘just in case’ someone popped over. There was no equality in housework. We all knew back then what was ‘women’s work’ and what was ‘men’s work.
- Growing up I never saw the women in my family pampering themselves, looking after their mental wellbeing, or embracing how they looked. We tend to focus on the negatives. Anyone that did embrace themselves may have been labelled as ‘too showy’ or it was said they would attract negative attention, after all, aren’t South Asian girls meant to be quiet and subservient?
As such, I believe we are NOT generally taught to think of ourselves first or to even think kindly of ourselves. It’s no wonder that when we step into the roles of wives and mothers we think that we need to do the same in terms of cooking, cleaning, childcare, and if we don’t or if we seek support from our partners (or even hire in support) we are hit by a wave of guilt. We can learn to challenge this cultural conditioning and adapt our ways of thinking for the modern ways we are now living.
For me, self-care is ensuring that I am doing things to create the life I want, which helps me to feel good about myself. I know that if I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed then I’m not going to be the best mother, wife, daughter that I can be. We are also not going to be great role models for our kids if we aren’t sharing housework or talking about positive body image.
Time for Change
So, if we know that self-care can help us to feel better overall, how can we incorporate it into our daily lives?
Recognising our worth
We all deserve to think about our own needs and make time for them and this may mean that we can’t do all the household/childcare responsibilities ourselves and we should be spending more time on our mental and physical wellbeing. Think about the areas of your life that you want to improve and then be proactive in making changes in them, put yourself on your own priority list. Go to my website (www.priyamohal.com) for the free coaching tool – The Wheel of Life, it will help you prioritise areas of your life and think about how to improve them.
Giving yourself a break
Learn to give yourself a break, nothing is perfect, the sooner we recognise that there is only so much we can do, we can brush off the guilt of not having achieved everything to perfection. Sometimes it’s the mental stress of that to-do list, that we hold to ourselves that piles on the pressure. I know I’m guilty of keeping the housework to myself even when my husband is home and willing to help me, I somehow think it’s my responsibility because he works (something my grandmothers drilled into me), but as he reminds me…he lives here too and is capable of cleaning! Breaking the cultural conditioning is hard but it is possible!
It’s okay to ask for help. More of us are hiring cleaners/nannies and why not, if you can afford it, make your life work for you.
Being compassionate with ourselves and others
This is a big topic and I probably won’t do it justice here. I see it as acceptance and appreciation of things we can’t or don’t want to change, like our skin, hair, body shape. One way to do this is to look in the mirror and instead of focussing on the imperfections (like we all do), consciously look for things you like. Do this every day, it will probably feel really uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve had a long reign of negative self-talk, but over time, you will start appreciating and being grateful for what you have and it will show in your confidence, I think being comfortable in your own skin is so important!
Practicing self-care is not always the indulgence that is suggested, but actually taking time out and being kind to yourself in a world full of expectations and high standards. If you are finding the balance in your life really hard at the moment, you’re not alone, contact me on coach@priyamohal.com if you need any support.
Priya
About Priya
Priya is a qualified life and business coach that supports South Asian women to create the life they want. She believes in breaking cultural conditioning in the South Asian community so that women can empower themselves to build a happier life and career/business.