We all know it, we see it, hear it, and feel that this world was not made for women to thrive in.

The issue of misogyny and sexism has been around for many years but it’s creeping higher into our consciousness as we hear of various accounts where systemic injustice has let down women and we are no longer willing to sit back quietly. The area I’m covering here is about my particular culture.

As a South Asian (Indian Punjabi) woman, the cultural significance between boys and girls was made clear to me from a young age. I’ve had a chance to reflect on the impact this has had on me and why it’s so important that we challenge customs and traditions that support misogyny.

Misogyny and how it shows up in South Asian culture

Kate Manne, an Associate Professor of the Sage School of Philosophy at Cornell University, defines misogyny as:

‘social systems or environments where women face hostility and hatred because they’re women in a man’s world — a historical patriarchy’.

As for the difference between misogyny to sexism, she explains:

‘sexism is an ideology that says “These arrangements just make sense. Women are just more caring or nurturing, or empathetic…sexism is the ideology that supports patriarchal social relations, but misogyny enforces it when there’s a threat of that system going away.’

In very simple terms: misogynistic men want to keep systems that ‘keep women in their place’, if a woman tries to move out of ‘her place’ she is met with hostility or violence.

Historically in South Asia, the general message held through generations is that girls are to be looked after and will move away once married, whilst boys will earn money and take care of their family, therefore traditions have been built which put girls in an inferior position from birth.

In Western society, British Asians have arguably experienced more freedoms (of varying degrees) as education has played a large part in our development and understanding. However cultural customs still take place that marginalise women. The customs that have always stood out to me in my culture are:

– Traditionally sweets are handed out by a family if their daughter-in-law or daughter has had a baby boy, but this is not the case if she has a girl.

– There are family celebrations (called Lohri) when a boy is born within the first year of his birth, but not if a girl is born.

These events from my perspective are systems put in place to keep the prominence of men felt within the community and the inferiority of girls and women. These are just two examples of the most overt traditions that send messages to girls that they are not worthy of a family’s celebration.

From a daughter’s perspective, seeing these cultural celebrations for boys has had lasting effects. I’m the eldest of four girls in my family, I remember the pressure my parents were under to keep trying for a boy and I remember the disappointment from some family members when my younger sisters were born. Those memories made me question many aspects of my culture as I grew up, but I was told that this is just the way things are.

I now have two daughters of my own and although I celebrated their births with joy, there was an underlying feeling that I had done something wrong and not lived up to the expectations of others. When I was pregnant there were plenty of people saying, ‘it will be a boy’ or ‘I’m sure you’re having a boy this time’, but not once did anyone wish for a girl.

People have also questioned why I’m not trying again for a boy after having two girls. These comments are hard to hear and they generally come from other women, and yet I cannot blame them as they are a product of the culture that put men on a pedestal. These are strong beliefs that are not easy to shift after generations of being perpetuated, but we must try.

What do these customs lead to?

I see a trend from women of a similar generation to myself where they have experienced the above events or have brothers and have grown up with the disparity of how they were treated in comparison. 

I myself have been coached and I now coach other women dealing with a lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, and a lack of belief that they can do what they want in life. Something is holding them back from achieving their full potential, they find it difficult to make big decisions, go for higher positions at work, or progress in their business. 

South Asian women generally place themselves behind others, it’s an expectation of our society and it’s what we have been taught to do, to serve others in the family. This means that women are less likely to take care of themselves first, as home and childcare responsibilities are more likely to fall on them, whether they are employed or not.  The effects of this are burn-out, stress, and mental health illnesses in a culture where seeking support for mental health is still stigmatised.

The way forward

There are different ways that British Asians are now challenging our culture and customs and many positive changes are being brought forward. For families to change, we must question our upbringing and sometimes our parents to stand up for the rights of girls and women.  Having these discussions within our households on how we want girls to be brought up is a great way to discuss the changes we can all make.

For individual women that are feeling undervalued, we need support and community. There are now social projects that work to challenge these customs. The Pink Ladoo Project was set up in 2015 by Raj Khaira as a need to raise the value of women, it encourages South Asians to celebrate the birth of girls with pink ladoos (Indian sweets) and have conversations to challenge gender-biased traditions.

Social media influencers on Instagram such as @SouthAsianNation and @AsianwomenFestival are highlighting the inequalities and challenging the status quo.

The Lohri festival too is slowly changing, I’m happy to say that my husband and I decided to celebrate Lohri for both my girls after they were born.

The impact of change

My aim is for women and girls to feel and to know they are equal to everyone else and that they belong and can positively contribute to society. These women will be empowered to make decisions, speak up, and know their worth. 

If more women across all cultures realise their ambitions and are not held back by their perceived status in society then we will have female leadership and representation where it matters, in every sphere of our society, be it; at home, in politics, law, medicine, in business, in education, in tech sectors…everywhere! 

This impacts all of us, the benefits of diversity are well known, and we desperately need positive role models for our children.

Please share this article with your friends and family. Let it prompt conversations on your experiences and how you wish to treat women when they have girls and how girls are treated growing up. I’ve chosen to challenge; I hope you will too.